Barf and Pee….at Walmart!

 

Hee hee I know my ma won’t probably approve of my title but it is what it is….ha

I ran to Walmart tonight to grab some ink for my printer which seems to suck it down like a straw.

After grabbing some of the liquid gold…geez they soak you for this stuff…..I need to start an ink company….

ANYWAY….

I was walking back toward the checkout line, crossing through the laundry soap, when this woman ran by with her 3 year old son flying through  the air behind her like a Superman cape, attached to her only by his by his hand. He was howling and she was saying with staccato flair…don’t pee don’t pee don’t pee don’t pee….I laughed out loud which I am sure she wasn’t  too thrilled at.

Then as I turned the corner by the baby section…the one where the man who peed his pants was last week.. yeah that one…I saw this cherubic little boy with his hands over his mouth making gagging noises…his frantic mama said “Are you going to barf?” His blond curls bounced as he nodded his head, his big blue eyes starting to water…She screamed at her friend to grab the trash can. Friend grabbed trash can and flung off the cover..I kept walking…really fast….starting to giggle and then off a few aisles over I heard….Mom…Mommy….Mom….Mom….Mommmy….Mom….Mom…

I paid for my ink and walked out laughing….I am SO liking this Grandma thing!!!

Read More

Why am I NOT in the Club?

I think sometimes we never leave Junior High…

I have been going to the gym with the same ladies for several years and for some reason I am not in the club…

You remember back in junior high when the popular girls all had something you wanted; the cute boyfriends, the perfect hair  the cool STUFF?  They always chatted to each other and somehow you felt like you had a sign on you that read “LOSER” on it…Now you remember…THAT CLUB!

I have always been nice to all of the gals in my gym, but somehow I am not included. I know it shouldn’t bug me but it does for some weird reason. I have friends so it’s not because I am lonely like that.

They are all very nice to me and make sure to include me when they need a card signed or to show off the loot they acquire, but I am still not in the club.

I don’t NEED any of the things they pass out or their invites to the Waffle Wagon. I have to work anyway so probably couldn’t go anyway.

At Christmas one was passing out little crocheted angels…did I REALLY want an angel NO, but why didn’t I get one?

How about on Halloween they all get a little bag of candy-corn but me? No Siree! ( I like Candy-corn!)

The  twin gals pass out Starlite Candies once a week or so…they skip right over me! HELLOOOO I’m right in front of you!

I have championed their need for heat after they get out of the pool, at my own expense.

I have given them the good lanes while swimming.

I make sure that I am not in the big shower if there is still a chance they are going to use it…

BUT NOOOOOOOOOOOO! No Starlites for ANNE!

Hmmmm….maybe I need to be 80 to be in the club….well nevermind…who wants to be in their dumb old club anyway…I will buy my own Starlights!

I don’t even LIKE Starlights much…

Read More

And in Walks Jessica Rabbit…

I have been working out.

It is no secret that in the last few years I have really been struggling with my weight. I am not hippo massive, but just uncomfortable with myself. I have tried every diet out there and FINALLY realized that unless I  am super careful with my diet and work out HARD I am not going to make any real progress. Not the foo foo jog on the treadmill or the half -hearted, wienie arm work for 15 minutes… HARD WORK.

My new workout best friend is Chalene Johnson. Her exercise program ChaLEAN Extreme is kicking my butt…literally. I tried workout videos in the 80′s. We all did…I still dislike Jane Fonda, both for her tiny booty and her politics, but whatever. Exercise videos of the past were of some ditzy over-tanned bebop bouncing all over the floor screaming at you to work harder and never breaking a sweat.

I purchased one workout video in the 80′s and promptly threw it away vowing never to buy another one.  I never did until this one. I borrowed my friend Kathleen’s Beachbody video series about 12 years ago and after the first day “Mean Tony Horton” made it so I couldn’t walk, so I gave it back to her. It was way too much for me and I wasn’t of the mind set I am now. And besides it was a video so I had to rewind it every time I wanted to get to the right place.

Chalene Johnson is really encouraging and gives you tons of advice without treating you like someone who has never seen the inside of a gym. The DVD’s are easy to use, varied to keep you interested and VERY result oriented. The ChaLEAN Extreme program has a menu and diet plan that is not hard to follow and believe me I have followed some really wacko ones. This plan involves eating real food. Yes we really DO have to read labels and be careful not to eat everything in sight. Ok I surrender.

Jenny was on Spring break last week so I was able to workout at home in the morning and then do my walks with the dog at lunch. I have started doing 2 workouts a day one ChaLean Extreme and then a nice walk.  I absolutely love it! I think  Chalene has created a monster. If I get stressed I want to workout, if I am bored I want to go run etc. I was NEVER one of THOSE girls but I am now. I am taking great care of myself  and it is beginning to pay off. I am seeing results and muscles everywhere!

Anyway… I was at the gym this am and doing the treadmill thing feeling pretty great about getting to the next level when in walks Jessica Rabbit…..

I have seen J.R. before at the gym and well I loathe her. Just when I get all feeling great about myself the hag walks in and then I get all mental-wobbly about my progress. Before you get all whatever about my attitude…I KNOW she is probably not a bad girl and somewhere some snot named Karma is going to beat me up, but that is what I think. I mean who does she think she is?

She bounces into the ladies room all tight-bunned and tan, waving her ponytail around and instantly I am depressed. I want to run into the shower room and pout like a 4 year old. I think to myself. “Shake that booty at me some more you bratty little blankety-blank.” She moves to the treadmill and turns it on high. I truly hate her now. I am huffing at medium and I am sure she is showing off with making me miserable as her only mission in life. I can think of some really nasty things to call her, and I do….in my head, but VERY LOUDLY!

I need to be positive…my kid said so… I am positive I can’t stand this chick. Ok, it is now “get a grip time.”

So here is my attitude change…for today anyway. Until I see her again I am going to decide that J.R. used to be a 900 lb gorilla and has worked all of that off doing exactly what I am doing and I will look like her in a couple of weeks. We will have fitness competitions and I will beat her! I won’t give up like I normally would and decide nothing is helping fast enough.  THEN all the other gals at the gym will hate me to! Won’t that be fabulous? Hmmmmm

If you want everyone at the gym to hate you to! Sign up for ChaLean Extreme to!

Read More

OH Boy! CAT Fight Over Heat!

WOW! You wouldn’t think a tiny dial on the wall could cause so much trouble!

Here is the deal..the Silver Swimmers(my name for the older gals at the gym)  learned a cool trick and started turning the heat up in the locker room when they went to the pool so it would be warm when they got out. Genius…for them. They always made sure to turn it down before they left though.

I wasn’t thrilled because I was having some peri-menopausal-thyroid not functioning sort of issues and usually had my foundation start sliding down my face and puddle on the table while I was trying to put my eye makeup on and it usually turned into a bleary smudge, NOT cool smokey eyes, but I didn’t mind because they were happy, not hurting anything and looked like funny penguins shaking their booties to stay warm.

WELL…SOMEBODY whined….

Snotty Gym Barbie  tattled…GAWSH!

SHE decided that since SHE got hot she couldn’t let the old gals have their 20 minutes of warmth. It didn’t occur to S.G.B. that SHE didn’t have to spend so much time in the sauna cooking her scrawny,phony boobed carcass or that they are all thin skinned wrinkly old gals that really do get cold! NO S.G.B had to whine to the Assistant Manager.

THAT started a huge drama… Hanna  opined to the Assistant Manager and then the A.M. accused Hanna of shaking her cane at her. SERIOUSLY!  I KNOW Hanna was polite when she talked to the A.M….well I think she was…well I… hmmmm. Anyway, the A.M. is half of Hannas age, in great shape and could easily step out of the way if truly fearing for her life. It is a CANE after all… a cool pink flowery one, but since it is a CANE that means she can’t really get around very well.

So the A.M. turned the heat all the way off, locked and now since it is Spring she also turned on the air conditioner. NICE…WAY to GO…What a ….sport!

NOW we are all freezing when we get out of the pool and are all OK with the idea of whacking the A.M. with a cane…a pink flowery one, we should have a two-fer and get S.G.B. while we are at it!

Read More

A Moving Pool Time!

I went to take a swim today and the girls were there….and one of their friends… Gus.

Judy was on a roll and I have no idea what she said, because she really didn’t SAY much at all! She was just Judy and laughed the whole time at whatever everyone else said. It was so cute. She is just a ball of fun.

The twins were there and Hanna was there and a couple of  others.

I had not met Gus before but he is a portly fella of about 70. He treads water about 7 feet away from the nearest gal and is pleasant to them and they all flirt with him. SO cute!  Gee I hope I am not there when the jealous cat fight starts!

They were talking about juice…ok, not bad. They were discussing different juices that they liked, orange, apple, grape, pomegranate and blueberry(which sounds yukky to me) and then prune…Oh gawsh  here it comes!

Now I knew WHY they were discussing juices after I heard the prune juice remark…MUST we talk about moving intestines while in the POOL?

They were all chatting merrily about regularity and stuff I really never wanted to know about and all of a sudden…Gus stated proudly and in all seriousness, I love vodka in MY prune juice.

The gals were silent all with raised eyebrows for a second trying to figure out if he was telling the truth..it seems he was…while I paddled by and then they started giggling and I stopped and laughed with them. Hanna (who can’t hear in her bathing cap) stopped swimming and  kept saying Vat? Vat? Vat did they say?

No one really wanted to be the one to tell her…then when they did she looked horrified and said “Ahhhhh You guys are crazy!”

I think I adore Gus!

Read More